Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
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Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
this is funnier than any friends episode
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?
girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes
me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either