Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!