Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
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Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)