Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
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My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.