@Tommytoughstuff

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

- @Tommytoughstuff

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@SnizzleFrizzle

12: “Why don’t girls like playing dodgeball?”

Because we don’t like getting hit by balls.

12: *giggles for 5 minutes*

You are so my child

@Bearslietoo

Noticed a spider while I was driving,so I did what any normal person would do and carefully trapped it in a napkin and set my car on fire.

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

@CliffDuffy

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

@DaddyJew

Me: what do you want to be when you grow up?

Son: happy

Me: no, something reasonable

@POTerritory

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

@Lhlodder

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

@TheresNoGodzila

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.