Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

[first day as a preschool teacher]

ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*

People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.

I’m crying im so happy for them

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

Someone just gave me half a peace sign.

weird

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.