Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
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The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here