Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
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I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Only you can prevent podcasts
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.