“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
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Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either