Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch

Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.

You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

I already tried new things thanks.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it