Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

i choose….tongue

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.

LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

[watching Disney movie]

Daughter: this movie is dumb.

Me: why?

Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.

Me: yeah lol.

Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.

Me: smart-wait what?

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition