Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
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“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I missed you with all my darts
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols