Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.