Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
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Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
This forever.
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal