Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.

And off to hell I go.

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

I would like even faster food.

Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:

‘What time is it?’

‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’

*blows trombone loudly*

Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’

😃

The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….