Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

Siri, fight Alexa.

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

Phonetics

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

INFORMER!!!

Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…

A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

Honest job application:

On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.