Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
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You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.