Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
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1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
fr
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.