Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
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4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.
There’s No L.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
serving silly goose instead of turkey