Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
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Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes