Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
You Might Also Like
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
