Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
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Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Not today
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
where do you see yourself in five years?
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
