Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

Bill is short for Billiam

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.