Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
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I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
When someone says you are so lazy
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.