me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
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The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I don’t have a mental problem, I have mental problems…plural.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.