Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
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[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I love it all
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.