Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.