Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

become ungovernable

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened

every time I roll over in the middle of the night

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.