Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

Girl, same.

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”

I think I’m gonna be sick

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…

Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…

Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.