Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
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The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
become ungovernable
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history