Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.

Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.

Me: I stand by what I said.

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”