Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?

I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

Smile Twitter, Smile.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.