Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
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“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”