Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
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[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Why font matters.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…