Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
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Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
🚲+physics = winner
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch