Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
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[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.