Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
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yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
welp
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.