do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better
You Might Also Like
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Oh, I bet you would be
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone