do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better
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If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya
Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.