Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

[doorbell]

delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.