Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my cartoon in the New Yorker this week

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

Family Celebrity

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

We need it on priority

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?

girlfriend: I think I need a break

me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today

Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here