Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

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