Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WTF IS THAT!

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows