Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
You Might Also Like
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Tony Hawk, age 6
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”