Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
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I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Cause of death: Zumba
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account