Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
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*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
<—- homeless romantic
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.