Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
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Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
The news
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.