Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
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That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Wasps: bees, but not helping
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.