Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

#BrexitIn5Words

He’s just not into EU

captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*

me: great now who’s gonna do the news

I’m not proud

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

found this cool rock hiking today

when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours