Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said: “That’s a…big step.”

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim