Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
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One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
wtf is a larm clock?
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
@ candidates for local office
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”