Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
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The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”