do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
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Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
No, YOUR illiterate.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.