do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
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interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
sign of the times 🖊
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk