do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
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[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
a god among men
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman