Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
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They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
c’mon!
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.