Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
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Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
The only equipped I am is ill.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival