Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
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[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Found the job I’m suited for
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
me working on my assignments ^-^
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Nomnomnomnom
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.