Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
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I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
My daily affirmation
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
ouch
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Facebook memories be like
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill