Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
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“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I like to keep my wife guessing by walking around the backyard carrying a ladder and a chainsaw.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.