Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
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Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*