Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
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🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
The little toadstool has spoken.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.