do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
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A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Scream sneezers need love too.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?