do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
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Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Better luck next time champ
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks