do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
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Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
a fate I wish upon no one
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.