Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

True.

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

Today’s tshirt

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”