Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?

Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.