Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
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I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
