Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
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I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”