Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
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Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass