Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
🤣😂🤣😂
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued