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My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition