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Rude much 😂😂😂
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
S O O N
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol