*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
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[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
it’s finally my moment to shine
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
a god among men
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”